Life in a Rainforest (Dirty Seeds)

These days I wake up within a mist. A literal mist that washes through the forest like a visitor reluctant to leave. The campground we call home is nestled beside the harbour and surrounded by the estuary of the Nanaimo river. Sea lions hunt in the early morning and flocks of seagulls wake up to fly toward the sunrise. Bald eagles perch watchful in the trees, a sight only familiar to me from documentaries. And far in the distance, across the harbour, are the mountains of the Sunshine Coast, with their peaks pricking the clouds and their feet shrouded in fog. This was the scene on our first morning on Vancouver Island. The stillness of that early morning before most humans woke in the campers and RVs behind me, was where I asked God a most important question: What have I done?…

Jesus said to have faith like a mustard seed, and so I do, but that little seed must ask the same question when it is planted in the ground. When all becomes dark and still. When their once dry and clean world becomes wet and dirty. When their trust is tested, it must wait for a promise. And so I do. 

With the question ‘what have I done’, the practicals are easy. We landed in Canada, safe and sound on July 12 and spent that month and August setting up our life on this side of the ocean, visiting family and traveling down to Michigan. It was a great summer and packed for sure. Arriving in Michigan we settled into our campground, connected with friends and supporters and started into our sabbatical. We took 9 days at a missionary debriefing retreat in October and after that packed up and headed back north to Vancouver island.

Easy enough, eh? And if that was all there was to it, this would be a very short update. 

The truth is, the last months have been an extraordinary journey for us where God met us and ministered to our hearts in so many ways. To share all the details of that would be a very long update. But don’t be afraid. I will just share two of the biggest ones with you:

God is kind, and He is faithful. 

God is Kind

He told us in January to take some rest when we left Germany. This was a step of faith for us: Who wants to support missionaries who aren’t doing anything… Let's be real. There is fear there. And the greater fear comes up in me when I think of what I will think of myself when I do nothing. 

Many of us define ourselves by what we do. And even if it does not become our identity, we take a good deal of our worth from how productive we are. Many of our societies are built upon the obsession for productivity. If it doesn’t work, throw it out! But what happens when a person doesn’t work… Do I throw myself out? 

In Leviticus 25, God talks about the Sabbath and taking a sabbath year, and in that he says to the Israelites,  “But you might ask, ‘what will we eat during the seventh (sabbatical) year, since we are not allowed to plant or harvest crops that year?’ Be assured that I will send my blessing for you in the sixth year, so the land will produce a crop large enough for three years… in fact, you will still be eating from that large crop when the new crop is harvested in the ninth year.” 

Wow! What a promise! Strangly enough, I have been told that it is never recorded that the Israelites ever took God up on his offer. They didn’t observe the sabbath year and so never saw that promise fulfilled. Scholars can definitely correct me if I am wrong, but that sounds sad to me that no one took God at his word. But I understand why. Many times I ended the day in the last two months and wondered if I was worth much at all because I had nothing to show for existing that day. But in that place, God could speak to those deep places of my heart and bring truth to the lies that had been rooted there. Only when all else was out of the way could he reach in and point them out and deal with them. It was a painful but healing time. 

To end that time for me was the nine day debrief at Radiant Life retreats in Paw Paw, Michigan (Yes, I highly recommend it for all returning missionaries and ministry workers). It was a great time to look back at our whole time in Germany, especially the last two years. The leaders guided us through the days processing the good and the bad, then looking to the future and praying into what God had next. I ended the time there so full and ready for the next season with more faith and energy than I had had for a long time. I felt my passion for missions healed and my desire to restore the hearts of God’s children reignited. 

I could also see that living in a camper was not a long term solution. Therefore, on the last day, on my knees by the lake I asked God for stability; situational, occupational, and financial stability. That my children would have a yard to play in, that Matt could have a workshop to work in, and that I could continue in member care and write my book. 

I will be honest, I don’t like to ask God for things. Not for myself. This might seem strange, in my line of work especially, but I don’t. I believe in prayer with all my heart. I even believe that miracles still happen. But something in my heart says, “His will above mine. Wherever he sends me, I will go. Whatever he tells me, I will do. To the point that my opinions/wants/desires do not matter.”

That last bit… my desires don’t matter… That was that part that was getting confronted. Do I matter to God? Or am I just a cog in his great machine? You might come to a different conclusion than I did, and that is really fine. God is kind. And I’d rather be in his machine than anyone else’s. But that day, by the calm lake, I decided to take a risk, and hope that my desire for stability did matter to God. So I asked. 

Then He came through; faithful as the sunrise. 

Within the week I had a job doing what I love at YWAM Nanaimo. We had an offer on an upstairs three bedroom suite in the perfect area of the city for ministry which we have now signed the lease on. This house has a yard for the children and the YWAMers there have a workshop Matt can use. Money came from the Canadian Revenue Agency that they had not been sending the last years, enough to set up our lives here and last for years to come. “I will send my blessing for you in the sixth year, so the land will produce a crop large enough for three years” - our God does not lie. Not to mention Matt crossed the border on favour from the border guards (long story short there).

Our God is faithful

So why, you may ask, was I sitting there our first day here on the rocky beach, waiting for the sunrise asking myself, “What have I done?” The simple answer is that, in some moments, I forget and don’t see the big picture. Don’t we all… and no matter how much you mentally prepare for change, it is a process that you have to walk through. There are new things you have to learn (street names, grocery stores, cultural differences, job responsibilities, team dynamics, etc.) and old things that you don’t have anymore (friends, normal habits, hobbies, rhythms, your old tea set…, etc.) are all part of the process. And not a stress-free one for sure. Daily reminding ourselves we are part of a bigger story and our future is absolutely beautiful in Christ is a must. 

Our enemy seeks to steal, kill and destroy our lives; take our hope and daily joy in the Lord. But his mercies are new every morning and this is just a season. Like that little seed in the ground, dark and wet, it is just that rain water and that rich earth, that give it the nourishment it needs to grow and reach for heaven. 

I will be writing an update soon about what life will look like now that we are back and ministering in Canada, but for now…

I pray that this letter finds you well. And that if it finds you in the cold, dark, dirt like that seed, you too will have the grace and patience to wait. That you would know that He is Kind and He is Faithful

— and this too, will pass. 

Gillian